What You Can Learn From My Junior Prom Heart Break

When his high school crush said yes he quickly learned how fast dreams can slip away.

—

I stared at my phone, hoping to use telekinesis to dial a number I had gathered through a second hand source. My hands seemed to sweat endlessly as I struggled internally with the reasons I should pick up the phone.

“Why am I so nervous? What’s the worse thing that can happen? She could say no. That’s pretty bad. Maybe I shouldn’t call. Is it too late?”

These thoughts were overwhelming as I tried to muster the courage to ask a girl to the Junior Prom. Now this wasn’t just any girl. She was the girl I had a crush on from the start of my high school career. I had only spoken to her for short periods of time. Nothing I’d consider substantial but it was enough to know that she didn’t have a boyfriend, which meant a door was open for me to ask her to the prom.

I must have been put into a temporary state of shock because after her response I quickly said thank you and hung up.

I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. It took a dozen times until I finally punched in the digits. The ringing in my ear seemed to jump start my heart as adrenaline pumped through my veins. With the fight or flight response kicking into high gear I try unsuccessfully to keep still. My leg shakes uncontrollably until someone answers the phone.

Is it her?

At this point of the story I don’t remember if she answered the phone but once she was on the line I had to take a deep breath. I try my best to keep my composure when I reply, “Hi Carrie. This is Keola. From class. I’m calling to find out if you had a date for the prom. Oh, you don’t. Okay. So, I wanted to also ask if you wouldn’t mind going to the prom with me? No pressure. If you don’t want to go with me I understand.” I surprisingly got through my pitch and shockingly, she said yes. I must have been in a temporary state of shock because I responded by quickly saying thank you and hanging up. No small talk. Just goodbye.

If she talked to me about prom then I knew I hadn’t been mistaken and I could happily start planning our prom together.

For a few minutes I just sit and stare at paint peeling off the wall of my grandparents kitchen trying to figure out if I had just dreamed her answer. I wonder if I heard her correctly or if I should call her back. Of course I don’t and instead I go to bed wondering, “What now?”

Once back in school and sitting in class I come up with a ridiculous plan. I would wait for her to talk to me. If she talked to me about prom then I knew I hadn’t been mistaken and I could happily start planning our prom together. Sadly she never talked to me about prom and so I was left without a date as she decided to go with someone else who had asked her. Later on I learned that she would have gone with me if I had just followed up with her. She was just waiting for me to make the first move. I had dropped the ball and even though she was able to find me a date for the prom it wasn’t the experience I had hoped for.

◊♦◊

If I could do a McFly and go back in time I would kick myself in the rear end. How did I mess that up? I had done something courageous for a teenage boy and asked my high school crush out. I had already jumped off the cliff and in this story I landed safely with a resounding, “yes”.

So why was it hard for me to follow up? Why was it hard for me to accept it my good fortune?

I had every opportunity to talk with her but during that time my self esteem was low. I didn’t believe something that good could happen to me. My mind was filled with reasons why I wasn’t lovable, which sucked out the confidence I should have gained from that experience and left me stuck in my own self fulfilling prophecy.

When you face the possibility that your dreams could come true you are also faced with the reality that you could screw it up.

Luckily I’ve since overcome my self esteem with the ladies as evident with my beautiful wife and three lovable daughters. However, my self esteem in other areas are still lacking. For instance, I’m blessed to have gotten a college degree. I’ve gotten positive feedback about my writing from my professors and on the Good Men Project. These experiences should serve as evidence that I have the ability to write but instead it takes me days to type a post because of my self doubt. Deep down I don’t believe I’m a good writer, therefore, I struggle to put my thoughts down without wondering if it sounds dumb.

I believe this struggle is not uncommon for all those who are striving to make their dreams come true while battling their self doubts. Sometimes the struggle isn’t the initial step toward your dream like submitting my first post to the Good Men Project, which I never expected to be published. It’s a struggle after you find initial success. When you face the possibility that your dreams could come true you are also faced with the reality that you could screw it up. Now this could just be my own issue but I believe there are many people who worry about screwing up and when you already have preset negative voices in your head it’s hard to shake them even when everything seems to being going right. What makes it worse is that if you screw up it just adds weight on the scale that proves you aren’t good enough.

◊♦◊

So how do you work through the self doubt?

I try to keep myself grounded in reality. For example, as a writer I have to accept the fact that I will write articles and hopefully books one day that won’t resonate with everyone, which will undoubtedly result in negative feedback. On the other hand, there will be times that I’ll write something that will not only relate to people but touch their hearts. That will inevitably result in positive feedback. Whatever the case may be it’s important for me to view both results as temporary and biased. That’s the reality of being a writer.

… add every positive feedback to your arsenal … and please remember you wouldn’t know the sweet taste of victory unless you’ve known the bitter taste of defeat.

In addition with being grounded in reality I also remind myself daily why I write. This is the most important thing you can do to overcome the self doubt of pursuing your dreams. When I’m feeling shaky in my confidence with writing I try to remember the first time I wrote a poem. How it felt to pour out my emotions without any thought of editing. I remember allowing my inner thoughts to take over my hand and finding an emotional release for the turmoil that was going on in my life. Writing is an escape for me. It allowed a quite boy to scream on a piece of paper that he deserves to be heard.

◊♦◊

So for all those who are pursuing their dreams don’t be afraid when you find success. When you get that “yes” do all you can to build on that foundation. I encourage you to add every positive feedback to your arsenal against the inevitable negative experiences that will push your self esteem buttons and please remember you wouldn’t know the sweet taste of victory unless you’ve known the bitter taste of defeat. Finally, remind yourself everyday why you are pursuing your dream. Don’t allow the hardship of the journey to cloud your passion. If you know why you want it then fight for it.